Why have I always felt like I’m playing life on hard mode?

For as long as I can remember, I have felt "other." Whether it was unexplainable behavior as a toddler or the social awkwardness that followed me through school, I always felt like I was acting from a script that everyone else had been given, but I had somehow missed. I spent years standing on the fringes of groups, watching other people navigate life with an ease I couldn't replicate, constantly wondering: When do I grow out of this and become a "proper" human?

Even as I moved into adulthood, held down a career, and started a family, the struggle didn't go away. In fact, it got harder. The mental energy required to keep the "house of cards" standing while parenting and working eventually led to burnout and meltdowns I hadn't experienced since childhood. I'd been told that clinicians wondered about autism when I was a toddler, but because I didn't fit the classic stereotype that existed in the 90s, I was passed over for assessment.

The turning point came quite unexpectedly while watching a BBC documentary. I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) test out of curiosity and scored a 28—above the threshold for possible autism. Soon after, my wife suggested that my constant forgetfulness and "all-or-nothing" hobbies might actually be ADHD. When the penny finally dropped that I could be both autistic and have ADHD, the pieces of my life finally started to click into place.

If you have ever felt like you are navigating the world without a map, my story might feel familiar. I’m sharing my journey from suspicion to diagnosis to help others find their way out of the hinterland.

To read the full story of how I finally found the answers I was looking for, check out the complete post on the Life on Hard Mode newsletter. Subscribe for free below for weekly articles, information, advice and a community of late-diagnosed people with autism and ADHD.